Text 27 Aug 4 notes

Anonymous said: You're exemplary at debating. How does brushing up your communication skills on the Internet affect social situations in real life that you're involved in?

Thank you!

I don’t think I’m exemplary at debating. I’m just kind of mad most of the time I do it, and I’ve said a lot of these things before so the words come out easily.

I don’t really know how to answer your question though. Sorry, I don’t quite get what you’re asking. If you mean you’re wondering how the rants online have helped in face to face conversations, I guess it’s the same as it helps other online conversations; if I’ve heard the argument before and I’ve argued against it before, the words I used last time come easily and I just say them again. It’s only fair that I just recycle arguments since these folks seem to believe they’re coming up with something ~*original*~ that we ~*might not have considered*~ and yet they couldn’t even be bothered to look into the basics of what our experience is about. So I guess once I’ve said something to someone before (in person or online), it’s easier to elucidate it the next time I have to.

Photo 26 Aug 30 notes hell-is-okcupid:

Did he just call me a vegetable? I…don’t understand.

… Maybe he meant vegetarian and either mistyped or got a really bad autocorrect? Are you vegetarian? Haha.

hell-is-okcupid:

Did he just call me a vegetable? I…don’t understand.

… Maybe he meant vegetarian and either mistyped or got a really bad autocorrect? Are you vegetarian? Haha.

Link 25 Aug 6 notes Left to Write: Awesomesauce Authors: An Interview with Julie Sondra Decker!»

Here’s an interview I gave to Dannie Morin at Left to Write. It’s about my process of writing the asexuality book and some other stuff about publishing.

Read it if you like!

Video 24 Aug 65 notes

swankivy:

The Invisible Orientation is HERE! Get your copies! Sign up for a giveaway! Find out how to help your library get it!

Watch me take my books out of the box for the first time! YAY!

Tagged: #omgomgomgomgomg #*freaking out* #so excited I could flip a tale #hoooooly shit #can’t wait!! #gonna try to get my library to get one #because… #Asexual Awareness #we exist and we need to be recognized as legitimate #I’m even going to enter the giveaway #I have shitty luck so I never win #so I don’t really enter these things but goddamnit this is an exception #asexual #The Invisible Orientation #giveaway #Goodreads #book giveaway #ahhhh I can’t sit still #*grabby hands* #Ace pride

LOL I love your tags, just wanted to say. And also, to add this: If in fact you’ve ordered the book already or were planning to but you also want to enter the giveaway and are concerned about the prospect of ending up with two (lol), consider giving an extra one to your library or university if you don’t have a loved one or acquaintance who would benefit from it. :)

via .
Link 24 Aug 9 notes Book giveaway for The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker Aug 24-Aug 30, 2014(showing1-30of55) entries»

Hey you can win one of my asexuality book! THE BOOK BY ME! Enter now!

Video 23 Aug 65 notes

The Invisible Orientation is HERE! Get your copies! Sign up for a giveaway! Find out how to help your library get it!

Watch me take my books out of the box for the first time! YAY!

Text 22 Aug 22 notes SushiPrince/GotchaLIFE feels entitled to my time and attention

Thought you guys might appreciate this.

My profile on OKCupid asks people not to send me form letters, generic messages, or comments that are about nothing but my picture. I specifically say in one place that guys who try to say I’m “interesting,” “cool,” or “down-to-earth” are picking one-size-fits-all adjectives that they think will trick us into believing they read our profiles. Here is a conversation with one of them—who, as is typical with these types, later denied that his was a generic message.

First message from SushiPrince:

So there actually are interesting women in here huh. I guess I should start a conversation with a “hi” or “hey there” but it’s so cliche’ isn’t it?

Anyhow, my name is [his name], I noticed your profile and I thought I would say hello and introduce myself. I also saw that we have a high match percentage so I thought it would be interesting to get to know you a little.

I put some information on my profile but if there is anything else you want to know just ask me. Im originally from Italy so I speak Italian fluently and I am about 50% fluent in Japanese. I have worked as a sushi chef for many years but now I work as an International account representative, it can be stressful as hell but I like it and it’s good money.

Well, just let me know if you’d like to chat sometimes.

Ciao

Notice his “so there actually are interesting women” comment—it’s one of those things dudes like this think are clever. Trying to praise me for not being like them—those boring women whose profiles are just not worth reading. (Mine clearly isn’t worth reading either, but that’s beside the point.) I’m supposed to read this and think I’ve been selected. By someone selective. SushiPrince has standards.

I replied, being a bit more generous than usual in that I asked if he wanted to redeem himself:

Hello [his name]. I’m pretty sure you copied and pasted this and that it is not a personal message that was written specifically for me. I can tell you why I think that if you want.

I don’t like answering messages that are sent out like form letters to fill a position like a job application, so that’s why I write in my profile that I don’t want to receive them. You say you “noticed my profile” but this message suggests you did not actually read it or process it. I do understand that sometimes it’s hard to get responses, but I don’t feel that’s a good excuse for inauthentic communication. If you still want to talk to me after you read my profile and now that I’ve said this, let me know.

He replies, still mostly behaving himself but denying that he did what he did:

Hi, whats your name by the way?

Well I did read your profile, I didn’t copy and paste this message but Im sure I have written messages with similar content to other women as I can’t really make up a new life story as I go lol. And I saw that you are looking for friends, in my message I didn’t really say anything about dating, I saw we have a high match percentage so I thought it would be interesting to get to know you. In any case, out of curiosity, what made you think that I copied and pasted this message?

Fair enough. He asked for an answer? I’m giving him one.

My profile says I’d like to receive messages that have authentic content that is personalized to me—that makes it clear the person is writing to me and has digested and understood my profile, and says something specific about why they want to talk to me or what they want to talk about.

Your message—go ‘head and reread it if you need to—is 100% about you. There is not a single line, not a single word, that suggests you’re sending it to a specific person. You open with “so there ARE interesting women!”—every woman you send that to would think “oh yeah, I am interesting, of course I am.” Actually, in my profile, which you say you read and “noticed,” I specifically call out the word “interesting” (along with “cool” and “down-to-earth”) as one of the most commonly invoked all-purpose words people tend to use when they aren’t composing personal messages. I’ve seen this before, over and over again. “You’re interesting! And here’s all about me.” I get them four times a week.

"We have a high match percentage" could literally be sent to any woman at all who matches you above 50. (Most of my "high matches" are in the 90s, but I don’t actually care about statistics.) So, if you read my profile and the only thing you have to say to me is "wow you’re interesting" (followed by only content about yourself), it looks like you didn’t read it. But if you DID read it and you still deliberately decided to send me the kind of generic one-size-fits-all message I ask people not to send me, I think that’s worse. Maybe it’s mean for me to say this, but I’d rather keep believing you didn’t read it than believe you read it and you still sent me the message you sent me. Not reading is one thing, but reading and then acting like what I say isn’t important or relevant to the conversation is quite another. So that’s my problem with this message. If you really are sending personal messages, I recommend making it a lot clearer that you’re doing so. You don’t want your first contact with another human being to read like a newspaper horoscope.

Now for the (predictable) blaming behavior (though at least he didn’t tell me to kill myself and fill it with misogynistic slurs like the last guy):

Honestly I think you are really looking at it the wrong way. The truth is I hate texting and writing because to me it’s impersonal so I try to keep it simple. If you got similar messages it makes sense; if a person finds you interesting in multiple ways they will tell you they find you interesting until you reply and then you engage in conversation going in detail as to what they like about you. The only other logical thing to do after they have expressed their interest is to tell you a bit more about themselves so you can see if you might be interested in knowing them; If then you want to talk to them you do, if you don’t, you don’t. And you should’t take it personally if people ignore your requests, after all you do the same. I do at least appreciate the fact that you take the time to explain your thoughts.

Oh of course. He hates texting and writing, so I should really just stop expecting him to express himself authentically through writing and just give him my number already. So this was what I said back:

Here’s where you’re wrong, m’dear. Me? I want to talk to people who want to talk to me. I do not want to talk to people with whom conversations feel like pulling teeth.

I have no shortage of people to talk to. None at all. In fact, most of the messages I get on this site (that aren’t just “hi” or “HEY HONEY WAZZZUP” or “LOVE UR PIX LETS CHAT”) are what I ask for. Authentic interaction. Opening with a clear indication of what they like about me and what kind of discussions they’d like to share.

If that’s not you? That is fine and dandy. But it also means you’re not the kind of person I’m looking to talk to. Now that you’ve blamed me for “looking at it the wrong way” because I have the audacity to hold people to a basic minimum standard of authentic interaction, I think it’s pretty clear that we have completely different philosophies on what we want out of this site. If you think repeatedly poking me with “interesting! interesting!” is actually a great way to start a real conversation, we have different definitions of what a conversation is. There’s no objective logic problem going on here. I made it ~*~extremely~*~ easy for people to see what kind of interaction I’m interested in having with other people, and I don’t believe I’m asking for too much if I demand that a person’s first message to me does not read like a job application or a “will you talk to me?” message that was slipped indiscriminately into every locker in the school. I want people who want to talk to ME. Not “someone.”

As for taking it personally that people ignore my requests, that’s … borderline hilarious. I shouldn’t find it offensive that people claim to read my profile (which I don’t actually believe most of the time, even when they say it’s true), but choose to ignore what’s in it? I shouldn’t find it offensive that people literally do what I ask them not to do or treat me like what I say is so incredibly unimportant that they deserve to pretend I didn’t say it (and I shouldn’t get pissed, after all, because why would I bother saying what I mean? Ladies never mean what they say, amirite?)

None of the people I’ve had positive interaction with—and became friends with offline—ever had to be coddled and hand-held through how to send a real message to a person. It’s not difficult at all for me to tell the difference between someone writing to me and someone writing to my picture, and it’s also all too common for people to blame their failures on ME being oversensitive or having standards that aren’t reasonable. Well, since they don’t have anything I want and aren’t willing to even give me the basic respect of behaving like I meant what I said, what exactly do I owe them?

Nothing.

Please don’t reply to this—I don’t want to continue the discussion. (For the record, if you do reply, my mailbox won’t receive it.)

So I blocked him, but the problem I’ve had before happened again—I still got an e-mail that notified me that he replied, with the first line of what he was trying to say getting through (though there’s no trace of it in my inbox). It says this:

I would much rather talking with people rather than texting them.

I’m gonna guess this guy has no idea that I “talk” with people all the time if they aren’t, you know, entitled asshats who treat me like a personal message crafted FOR ME is just too much to ask.

BUT!

Then he got on his other OKCupid name—who knows why he has two, could be he needs desperately to get additional messages to blocked women a lot, or is trying other generic games and tricks on separate accounts to try to get people to talk to him. He sent me another message. And this one’s super funny, which is why I decided to share it with all of you, my 1500 followers. ;)

Wow, your messages are so long, I appreciate that you show me how much you care about me.

I totally explain to people where they went wrong and then block them because I CARE about them. Awww.

Letting someone know that you won’t get the message is the most common message I have seen angry women write. Women write messages like that in this context because it makes them feel “empowered”, you need a little caressing for your ego huh?

Just as I said. Ladies, amirite? We’re so angwy. Actually I tell people not to message me and that I won’t see their response because otherwise they think something is going to happen if they just keep pounding away into the ether when I can’t even see it. “This conversation is over, so please don’t speak to me anymore” is actually a pretty straightforward, non-game-playing, fairly compassionate way of saying you don’t want their attention anymore. But I guess if I’m just so angwy, that makes it easier for dudes like him to feel like they had an effect. Since she won’t pay attention to me, hey, I’ve got to make sure she feels punished. She needs to be taken down a peg. She needs to be told her ego is out of control because she wouldn’t talk to a man who doesn’t understand “no” and “stop.”

Silly me and my “empowerment” fantasies. What a ridiculous woman I must be, to think I should be able to tell a man to stop and he will do it.

Anyhow, just to let you know I didn’t make this extra profile for you, I already had it. I want you to enjoy the fact that, yes, you did get my message. Plus, you also did ignore someone’s request, when I asked your name you didn’t reply or acknowledge that you didn’t want to tell me; so, everything you said to me mirrors back to you, we are even, congratulations.

I DIDN’T DO THIS FOR YOUUUUUU GOTTA MAKE SURE YOU KNOW THAT I WIN HA

And ignoring a woman’s express written wishes is completely the same thing as a woman refusing to disclose her name to a man who has made it clear how little he cares about what she wants. We’re *even*. That’s DEFINITELY even. Gee I mean sure, he ignored what I wanted and then defended his right to ignore what I want because HE DOESN’T WANT TO DO THIS BORING TEXT THING LOL, but I’m just as ~*guilty*~ because I didn’t choose to acknowledge “what’s your name anyway?”

(The doubly funny part of this is that if he’d really read my profile like he claimed he had, he wouldn’t need to ask me what my name was. But I guess I should have held his hand over that too.)

You are better than some people in the fact that you are not as immature, but there is still room for improvement.

So, as a person I already rejected as not being worth talking to, he totally thinks I’m going to care that he’d ~*~grant~*~ me there are people in this world even more immature than a girl who won’t talk to dudes who ignore her wishes. So immature, I know. I’m such a baby. I should have learned by now that my job is to kindly pat and coddle every man who demands my attention even if he thinks my profile isn’t important. It’s text, after all. That stuff’s boring.

Regardless, either make a new profile and send me a reply to this message showing me that you care, or, let this message be in your inbox knowing that you can’t reply to either, cause you’re blocked in both profiles. Either way have fun thinking about that.

LOL he totally thinks he ruined my day here.

Have fun thinking about that

LOL you’re blocked, have ~funnnn~

Dude, blocking me after I said DON’T TALK TO ME I’M BLOCKING YOU first is kind of like complimenting a girl’s body and then saying I WOULDN’T FUCK YOU ANYWAY once she refuses you. I already know you wanted my attention and did an incredibly poor job trying to get it. I already know you’re a disrespectful lout who repeatedly demonstrates how little it matters to you what I want. I already know you prioritize your desire and RIGHT to act how you want over anything I might be open to.

Dude and now he thinks I’m going to stampede to create a new profile so I can access his inbox and retort.

Nah guy. I got a blog to rant on. And hundreds of people who think my rants are funny and have similar levels of intolerance for entitled jackasses.

~Have funnnn~

Link 21 Aug 12 notes Dragons Raging: Julie Sondra Decker & Asexuality»
Video 21 Aug 55 notes

alonza-alzimora:

queerascat:

swankivy:

The Invisible Orientation: A Book Interview With Julie Sondra Decker

Watch the video of me getting interviewed by Brian of Everything’s A-Okay. :) It’s about the asexuality book, which is coming out in a couple weeks!

going to order two copies of this book. one i’ll keep for myself. the other i’m going to read though, highlighting important or relevant things as i go, then i’m going to mail it to my mom without any advance notice.

oh, how i look forward to seeing how she’ll react. i wish i could be there to see the look on her face. >:]

Oh, if only I had enough money to buy two copies!  Your idea sounds really good.

:) Also people there will be a giveaway contest starting next week—I think you have to have a Goodreads account though. Five copies will be given away by my publisher. I’ll definitely post when that goes live.

Photo 19 Aug 12 notes When Wikipedia’s article notes sound hauntingly like my agent… .

When Wikipedia’s article notes sound hauntingly like my agent… .


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