Everyday Ignorance

I am pleased to announce that my asexuality book has been offered representation by a literary agent. Once I’ve gone back to the other agents who were considering it, I’ll sign with one of them (most likely the first who offered), and then it’s on to the publishing houses. This could move pretty fast. (If I’m lucky.)

Hope I can count on y’all in this community to help spread the word once there’s something to buy and something to review. (And I’ll probably do fun things like cover reveals and blog interviews, if anyone wants to participate.)

One thing I’d like from y’all is a bit of info. I had a huge response from Tumblr when I was collecting test readers—more than sixty people signed up—but very few of the readers had time (or inclination) to offer me in-depth feedback, and I want to make sure I do this right. It will be the first non-textbook traditionally published book in existence on our subject, and it will end up being the first one a ton of people pick up in bookstores, so now is the time to ask this question.

If you are asexual, what do you want to see covered in the chapter “If You’re Asexual (Or Think You Might Be)”?

If you are not asexual, what do you want to see covered in the chapter “If Someone You Know Is Asexual (Or Might Be)”?

These sections are designed to be super short and mostly reassuring, giving capsule understandings of what they can expect and practical advice on either coming out or dealing with someone coming out, and how to facilitate understanding between people who might not understand each other very well.

Keep in mind there are three other sections in the book that address definitions, relationships, romantic orientation/aromantic orientation, gray aces and demi aces, libido, sexual activity, culture, involvement with the queer community, prejudice/society, and a HUGE section to debunk misconceptions. There is also a decent-sized resources section. But some people are going to turn directly to one of the above-named sections, and I want to know what information you think should be there waiting for them. If you’re asexual-identified or questioning, what would you want that chapter to answer for you? If you’re a family member, friend, or partner of an asexual person, what would you want to see answered first?

I have a very good idea of how to approach education and a lot of it is probably already covered. But I do want to know if I’m missing anything and hear the perspectives especially of non-asexual people, so I can do a good job drawing them in and getting them to read the rest of the book and be better allies.

I would rather not have to go through a billion reblogs to collect your suggestions (though I will probably see them if you reblog), so I would rather you either send them in an ask/fanmail or just e-mail me directly at ivy@swankivy.com . I’d really like to hear from you, and I’ll let those of you who write to me know directly whether your suggestion is something I have already incorporated or whether I missed it.

Thank you in advance—for the support and the suggestions.

toomanylokifeels:

No, I am going to talk about this and you are going to listen. 

Asexuals often receive rape threats because people believe that asexual-identifying individuals cannot possibly not want to have sex; even though the idea that asexuality is defined by specifically not wanting to have sex is a false one. (And I’ve explained that here) It is for this reason why I am tired of the constant oppression game people like to play with the asexual community. Are we oppressed? Are we not?

It doesn’t matter, all these arguments do is mask the fact that this unacceptable thing is happening. People actually think that “corrective” rape will change someone’s sexual identity. It starts with people asserting your orientation does not exist, and asexuality is not the only orientation to face/to have faced this. Then people assume things about yourself that “made you the way you are.” Then people move into threats territory. Then people move into the actions part. 

There is a real fear even among the asexual community that people who identify as anything other than heterosexual will be harassed and assaulted. They have a reason to be upset and a reason to be afraid, it has happened to many people before. Many people within the asexual community and the LGBTQ+ community as a whole have experienced harassment and assault. 

By denying that asexuals exist despite evidence that they in fact do, solely based on your misconceptions and political agendas that have little to do with our identity, you are perpetuating this dangerous mindset that people who do not fit into your idea of what a human being should be, need to be corrected.

My question to you is why then in situations where asexuals become upset over people harassing them, do asexuals get blamed for sticking up for themselves? Why are we not questioning why people think it’s okay to send rape threats to people who identify as such? Why are we not questioning what their problem is, instead of what ‘our’ problem is?

My right to exist and to be safe should supersede your right to say whatever the hell you want. Your words have consequences and the consequences of them should not result in people like me getting harmed. This is more than about hurt feelings. This is an attack on our entire existence.

You do not belong in our spaces. You need not voice your “opinion” on our orientation, it’s not a debatable topic and it is not a matter of conflicting opinions. The fact that you get defensive when asexuals rightfully become upset when you attack them shows that the problems lie with you and not with them. Furthermore, it is not your job to regulate what the asexual community does or says, that is something people within the community can debate and discuss critically. 

If I reblogged this every time someone told me if I can’t handle the regular rape threats then “maybe I shouldn’t be on the Internet,” you’d see this about every other week.

And while it certainly doesn’t happen as often in person because of the kinds of people I hang out with, I have absolutely had people strongly proposition me and respond to my refusal by mocking me while walking closer to me menacingly; I have had people refuse to stop touching me when I asked them to stop (on the leg, on the shoulders, once it was my butt) and I had to push them away and try to go elsewhere; and I even had one person start propositioning me in a car and leaned over and LICKED MY FACE while I was stuck in the car, after I said no.

These were conversations and interactions that happened immediately after or during conversations about my orientation, so they were triggered to behave this way by the so-called “challenge” of finding a supposedly attractive woman who was “going to waste” (that has been said to me in a gross way more than once in person).

So people better not try to tell me the unwanted touching and propositioning is just part of the suckage of being a woman and therefore it’s “only” sexism, not a specifically asexual problem. (Though that’s of course sexism and some men’s feeling of entitlement to women’s bodies is part of it.) When you try to remove the additional information about my asexual orientation that seems to have triggered these men to behave this way toward me and claim this is just what men do to women so the only problem we should try to deal with is sexism/misogyny, you are refusing to accept the intersectionality of asexuality and femaleness (in my case), and you’re also suggesting it doesn’t happen to other genders (or else uh well it must be some other prejudice/some other -ism because anti-asexual prejudice just doesn’t happen).

I don’t care what you call it. I don’t care if you believe it doesn’t hurt us enough or clearly enough in a way you recognize to “count” as worthy of attention. I don’t care if you believe our experiences aren’t as bad as someone else’s. What I DO care about is whether it’s acknowledged as a real problem and given the weight it needs to be addressed, rather than treated like we’re exaggerating or lying because we want the special snowflake recognition we’re commonly accused of desiring.

Screw that. Or, rather, don’t.

lifeinsmallpresspublishing:

(I’m not always right, but if an editor is telling you it needs an edit, then it needs a fucking edit. Even if it has already been edited.)

Oh my GOD it’s me.

This is why I say no to all those “Hi I’ve never talked to you before but are you cool with reading my book?” people. Because I know I’m evil, and I know people who do this are normally looking for validation and encouragement and cheerleading, not actual feedback.

This is why I work only with very late drafts (not in-progress books or anything that is known to need developmental editing), and this is why I’m reluctant to even give feedback even on someone’s first 250 words. I usually get a lot of “Well you don’t know what you’re talking about” and excuses about how it gets better later or they just finished an edit or everyone else liked it.

If I don’t know what I’m talking about, why did you ask me?

greenchestnuts:

laceratedbylife:

I don’t get why asexual people have to come out to their parents about their sexuality. How do they even expect this to go down? They’re like: “Mum … Dad … I am asexual.” And then the mother breaks down crying and the father starts yelling: “NO THIS IS NOT HOW WE RAISED YOU HOW WILL WE EVER HAVE A PREGNANT TEENAGE DAUGHTER NOW WHERE DID WE GO WRONG JUST THINK ABOUT ALL THE STDS YOU WON’T CATCH AND HOW WE HAVE PUT ALL OUR HOPES INTO YOU BECOMING A MAJOR SLUT BUT NOW IT’S ALL LOST WE ARE SO DISAPPOINTED!” … or what?!

I came out to mine because they thought I was straight. Why would I want to keep pretending that for years and years?

The word “phase” was thrown around, even though I was in my twenties by that point, and had been in LTRs with men as a “straight” woman. Funny, no one ever told me that was a phase, or that I was too young to know.

I don’t share this often because it’s horrifying and probably embarrassing for the person it involves, but I’ll tell it here because I am really damn sick of people suggesting it’s ABSURD for us to come out or ABSURD for us to suggest anyone would ever attack us over our identity.

Trigger warning for pretty horrible anti-asexual statements and language.

One night on New Year’s Eve I brought up asexuality with a family member and suddenly the lighthearted discussion of a television show was hijacked by a stream of unprecedented (from this person) angry accusations toward me. Suddenly I was being told I was only asexual because I was afraid of intimacy, but that I get off on male attention.

I was a bit stunned by this and said it wasn’t even close to true, and that’s when this person began yelling across the room at me saying “You’re nothing but a cocktease. Just a cocktease. You bend over and let men look down your shirt and wear pretty clothes to get them excited, and then you push them away because this ‘asexual’ thing is just an excuse. You’re NOTHING but A COCKTEASE.”

When I tried to somehow reply to this I got more shouting about how like “everything else in my life” my asexuality is “actually just fear-based” because I clearly can’t handle intimacy, and then a rant about another person in our family (who was gay) came pouring out, about how he was “actually” just afraid of women. (This came as a huge shock to me because this person had always before—and, actually, ever since—seemed very supportive of gay rights.) This person then compared me to the gay family member again, reiterated that it’s a dead giveaway that I like being a tease because I wear clothes that look nice on me, and just started repeating like a mantra “You’re a cocktease, nothing but a cocktease, COCKTEASE.”

It was New Year’s Eve in the middle of the night so I couldn’t go anywhere. (I also don’t drive.) I had nothing to say to this and ended up lying down on the floor and crying until I fell asleep.

In the morning the person pretended it hadn’t happened.

Even though the person being sort of drunk probably facilitated this rant coming out, I now know of course that this is a belief they have always and probably will always hold about me—that this is not a real experience, that I am actually manipulating and teasing men with my body and LOVING it, and that being something other than heterosexual is a lie. This also was not said by some random distant relative. It was someone who helped raise me and who is still in my life regularly as an adult woman.

I was already firmly established as an adult and an asexuality awareness activist, had been through many interviews and plenty of abuse on the Internet, and yet when someone close to me went after me like this in such a gross way, I couldn’t even speak and was reduced to a horrible helpless ball of tears. It’s definitely the worst reaction I’ve ever had and I didn’t expect it in a million years. If that’s how it affected ME, I shudder to think what less prepared, less confident, younger people go through if their parents are even less sympathetic about non-heterosexual identities.

And let’s not kid ourselves, dammit; you can claim all you want that NOOO IT’S ONLY GAYNESS THAT MAKES PEOPLE MAD but if you’re saying that, you haven’t been us. You don’t get to say how horrifying something has to be, laughing at our subjective experiences and objectively categorizing them as “nothing,” before you will acknowledge that it damn well is something that can scar a person for life and ruin relationships.

I may delete this later because I don’t even want to see it on my blog, so read it while you can.

cupcakearrow:

swankivy:

Figured I should tell a Weirdass Mom story considering what day it is.

So my mom likes to steal small items. Not from stores—she once punished my sister severely for getting caught doing that—but from places she perceives to deserve it.

The most common victims of my mom’s petty theft are restaurants. Her cabinets are full of mismatched dishware, especially stuff like condiment dishes and decorative beverage receptacles. Once she walked out of a restaurant with a huge mug under her coat. The guy at the door saw what she was doing and said, “Enjoy the mug!” She replied “I will!” with no shame and continued out.

She tells people that she collects salt and pepper shakers. Almost all of the sets in her shadowbox are stolen from restaurants or airplanes. When she has people over, she gives everyone their own set of tiny salt and pepper shakers.

When I read this behavior as hypocritical in my early teens, I asked her to justify it and she said she does it because restaurants are overcharging her for food and she believes they owe it to her. When I reminded her that restaurants are charging not only for the food but for the labor involved in cooking it, cleaning up after you, and providing tableside service, she said “Oh, shut up.” (She is also a pretty obnoxious customer, often either giving the server a hard time for no reason OR, if they’re male, sexually harassing them—suggesting my sister wants his number, leaving him dirty notes, or trying to dispose of a napkin by sticking it down his pants, etc.)

The other type of place she frequently steals from is doctor’s offices. Not magazines or whatever, though. She swipes their instruments.

My mom has swiped an entire set of dental tools, lots of syringes, surgical tools, and some anesthesia. Sometimes little supplies like wipes or sample packs. I’d almost forgotten she did that until I had minor surgery last October and let her come in with me, and she went through the cabinets while I was on the table waiting for the doctor.

She uses these items to perform minor surgery, usually on herself. Don’t ask. ::shrug::

Please never take your mother to my coffee shop. We *are* overcharging for coffee, but for fucks sake we barely make over minimum wage (and her waiters usually make WAY THE FUCK LESS) and we’re the ones that get in trouble for stuff being stolen and for having angry customers, even when we literally did nothing wrong and did everything in our power to diffuse the situation without being fired.

Also customers who hit on me make me highly uncomfortable and I can’t just tell them to fuck off because I have to be “nice”.

Pro-tip to people going anywhere: 75% of the time, your waitress/waiter/barista/server/cashier is not the person you want to yell at/be shitty to because they literally cannot do anything about what you’re mad about and will get in trouble when you yell at them.

This has been a rant from your local customer service worker.

Agree times 1000. My first job was in a restaurant, and HER first job was in a restaurant, so it’s weird. (Actually I think there are two kinds of people who work in restaurants: The ones who realize how difficult it is and NEVER mistreat servers after that, and the ones who feel like they put in their time getting abused and now it’s THEIR turn. I despise when people are in the second camp.)

I tell her to stop what she’s doing when I see her doing it. Usually she thinks it’s hilarious because she believes this is about “embarrassing” me. For some reason the idea that she might “embarrass” her kid is super fun times for her, and she brags to others like “Oh, my kids, they just don’t even want to be seen with me, I’m so wild.” You know, drawing us up like we’re oversensitive and that’s a big joke. But I don’t think it’s a joke at all to do the stuff she does.

But if I try to tell her why what she’s doing is wrong, she just tells me I’m no fun and continues to act how she’s always acted. In that way we’re pretty different people. She doesn’t actually think about how she may be ruining someone’s night because “it’s fun, lighten up.” I on the other hand know how easy it is to just want to throw yourself on the floor and curl into a ball because of a jackass customer, and it sucks that sometimes it is my mom.

Figured I should tell a Weirdass Mom story considering what day it is.

So my mom likes to steal small items. Not from stores—she once punished my sister severely for getting caught doing that—but from places she perceives to deserve it.

The most common victims of my mom’s petty theft are restaurants. Her cabinets are full of mismatched dishware, especially stuff like condiment dishes and decorative beverage receptacles. Once she walked out of a restaurant with a huge mug under her coat. The guy at the door saw what she was doing and said, “Enjoy the mug!” She replied “I will!” with no shame and continued out.

She tells people that she collects salt and pepper shakers. Almost all of the sets in her shadowbox are stolen from restaurants or airplanes. When she has people over, she gives everyone their own set of tiny salt and pepper shakers.

When I read this behavior as hypocritical in my early teens, I asked her to justify it and she said she does it because restaurants are overcharging her for food and she believes they owe it to her. When I reminded her that restaurants are charging not only for the food but for the labor involved in cooking it, cleaning up after you, and providing tableside service, she said “Oh, shut up.” (She is also a pretty obnoxious customer, often either giving the server a hard time for no reason OR, if they’re male, sexually harassing them—suggesting my sister wants his number, leaving him dirty notes, or trying to dispose of a napkin by sticking it down his pants, etc.)

The other type of place she frequently steals from is doctor’s offices. Not magazines or whatever, though. She swipes their instruments.

My mom has swiped an entire set of dental tools, lots of syringes, surgical tools, and some anesthesia. Sometimes little supplies like wipes or sample packs. I’d almost forgotten she did that until I had minor surgery last October and let her come in with me, and she went through the cabinets while I was on the table waiting for the doctor.

She uses these items to perform minor surgery, usually on herself. Don’t ask. ::shrug::

So Sarah G had this to say on my asexuality “overview” video:

Sarah G:

My doctor told me being asexual is something most people get over when they meet the right person. I went almost 5 years without being attracted to anyone I was an asexual by definition.

Yes, the same annoying old crap. But unlike most ignorant people, she also took it upon herself to private-message me to continue rambling about how asexuality isn’t real because her therapist said so and she was cured.

Sarah G:

H-e-l-l-o swankivy I was an asexual because I didn’t want to have sex, but i found out it was because i had ocd and had germ issues my psy told me that being asexual is something most people usually get over and end up falling in love later in life. I was not attracted to anyone from the age of 16-19 but i found a cute guy. . that I found and we have been together since, I think you just never found the right person swankivy, don’t stop looking„,I thought i was a lesbian cuz i wasn’t attracted but it is something you get overIm actually a bisexual and like girl too and your cute you will find the right guy or maybe or most likely your gay and will find the right girl. I was kinda freaked out about being attracted to both male and female but it happens. But yeah i was an asexual for some time and it was miserable and lonely but it was something i was. anyone can change anyone.

I’ve said it before, but it’s amazing how much fail people can pack into so few characters. Asexuality is about “not wanting to have sex”! You “got over it” at nineteen after thinking you were asexual for a whole few years! Your therapist must be right that people “get over it” because they’re an authority! I need to “keep looking”! I’m cute so I’ll find someone! I’m most likely gay actually! Being asexual is “miserable and lonely”! Anyone can change!

Jesus.

I replied with this to her public comment:

Not every therapist is asexual-friendly, obviously. People who professionally study sexuality do recognize its existence as a legitimate sexual orientation. It’s very wrong to tell your patients that they’ll “get over” their identity; listening to the patient and not being dismissive is very important. As for you, people sometimes have the wrong label or find their sexuality is fluid, and that’s fine. It’s also not an excuse to assume everyone else will one day change to something else.

And I replied to her private message with this:

What I hear from your story is that you figured out you aren’t asexual. When you were still a teenager. Possibly with the help of a psychiatrist. I don’t see what that has to do with me. I’ll thank you to please never assume your experience is likely to predict someone else’s, but you DEFINITELY should never tell people that they aren’t qualified to figure out their own feelings.

“You just never found the right person” is a very silly thing to say to me. If someone I met seemed sexually attractive to me, I’d change what I call myself. But that’s never happened and I’m 35, so the label I use is “asexual.” I’ll keep calling myself that until or unless it doesn’t fit me anymore. I didn’t “decide” not to be attracted to people or close myself off to other experiences. And I am in no way miserable or lonely. So please do not try to convince me that I’m going to change. It’s really pointless, because I’ve made no decision “against” doing so.

She then proceeded to send me three separate private messages in response.

Message 1:

swankivy gosh no need to get mad just saying what a professional therapist told me gosh gee wiz man

Message 2:

Well my therapist told me that approximately 76% of asexuals usually end up finding the right person. So being asexual is extremely rare if not impossible according to my doctor. According to him a lot of asexual just enjoy being single, which i can agree with because i did enjoy it as well. But I really don’t wanna tell you the truth I’m just saying

Message 3:

Your a cool chick tho swankivy love u tho lol sorry dude be who you are lol, I’m just a fool here lol

Oh my god. It’s “jeez you’re overreacting, all I did was invalidate your identity and say you’ll get over it, so why are you so ANGRY?” again. ::eyeroll::

I replied, of course.

Regarding “gosh no need to get mad just saying what a professional therapist told me gosh gee wiz man”—I do not know why you think I’m “getting mad” if I answer you.

“Professional therapists” do not necessarily accept asexuality, and I mentioned that already. They are human beings and they can be wrong. I don’t know whether you’re completely making up “approximately 76% of asexuals usually end up finding the right person” or whether the “professional therapist” actually said that, but either way, that statistic is complete nonsense. If you believe otherwise, quote me the study. But I know you cannot quote me the study, because no such study has been done. If a professional therapist is quoting you percentage figures on how many asexual people “actually end up finding the right person” in order to invalidate the orientation, they are being extremely irresponsible. Real professionals don’t make up numbers to suggest other people are more likely than not to be wrong about themselves.

If you would like to actually know what people who study sexuality say about asexuality, you should do the research before telling other people “my therapist says your feelings are impossible.” Start with Anthony Bogaert’s work, and then perhaps you’d like to read the asexuality-related papers on asexuality’s legitimacy and further study by authors such as Lori Brotto, Kristin Scherrer, Morag Allison Yule, Gail Knudson, Jess Inskip, Katherine Rhodes; Yvonne Erskine, Nicole Prause,  Cynthia A. Graham, Lily Hughes, Mark Carrigan, Karli Cerankowski, Megan Milks, CJ DeLuzio Chasin, Eunjung Kim, Breanne Fahs, Ela Przybylo, Dudley L. Poston, Jr., Amanda K. Baumle, Stephanie B. Gazzola, and Melanie A. Morrison. I am naming names here. These are people who SPECIALIZE in sexuality studies who explicitly discuss asexuality without claiming it is “impossible” or “temporary until they find the right person.” None of them would dream of pulling a percentage out of the air like you (or your therapist) did.

I’m also not sure why you seem to be conflating asexuality with being SINGLE, because those are not the same thing, but you don’t actually seem to know what asexuality is in the first place if you or your therapist or both believe it’s all about what we call ourselves until we can get a date. Plenty of asexual people have found romantic partners they are romantically attracted to, but still aren’t sexually attracted to them. That’s what asexuality is. I think (again) that this troubling ignorance of yours can be cured with education. Google those names I gave you, or ask me for titles, or look at the academic and scientific discussion of asexuality at Asexual Explorations (http://www.asexualexplorations.net/home/), Asexuality Studies (http://asexualitystudies.org/), or The Asexual Sexologist (http://asexualsexologist.wordpress.com/).

And since you’ve already reacted once with the “gosh you’re so ANGRY” response, I’ll remind you here that a thorough reply to something as ignorant as what you’ve said to me is not “being angry.” In case you did not notice, I have devoted a LOT of time and effort to making asexuality videos to combat misconceptions like the ones you have. It is clearly an issue that matters to me. Do not write to me to accuse me of overreacting or “getting angry” when you clearly believe you have every right to repeatedly comment on my videos and privately message me with ignorant statements designed to invalidate my identity.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t all. She didn’t reply to this, but what she DID do was go to my other completely unrelated writing channel, find a completely unrelated video on literary criticism, and post this:

Sarah G:

I think thats cool that more asexual people are coming out on youtube. But my doctor told me its something a lot of people get over when they meet the right person thats what I’m confused about, I actually “was” an asexual but not anymore its kinda a choice because you can do what you want have sex with who you want or not have sex with anyone according to my doctor.

But honestly i went about 5 years without being attracted to anyone, then i met the right guy, and eventually the right girl. Im in an open relationship right now. Which is weird considering i didn’t want to have sex with anyone 5 years ago now Im open to anything.

So basically Sarah decided she not only needed to repeat her message, but that she ought to go on my writing channel—which doesn’t discuss asexuality at all—and start posting bullshit that echoes her previous bullshit. I cannot imagine what possesses these assholes to INVENT reasons to harass asexual people on the Internet.

So I said this to her:

Sarah, I already addressed this with you in the comments on my other video and the private conversation we had. You are not listening at all and you’re just repeating everything you already said—everything I already debunked. Stop pretending you’re commenting just to say it’s “cool” that we’re on YouTube, because you’re clearly just here to harass me. You do not want to have an actual conversation. Stop being an annoying troll and get a life.

I blocked her on both channels and I hope she just gives up. Given the repeated private messages and the attempt to engage me in inappropriate places, she might be the type to find my other contact info and start harassing me elsewhere, but probably not. I’m so done.

ETA: Yep, she went after me on Twitter since she couldn’t comment anymore on YouTube. Oddly enough she is not Sarah G there; she is “Carl Johnson.” I don’t know either. She tweeted me these two things:

@CarlJoh60950300

@swankivy learn to take criticism i know you think your smarter than everyone but your not, in fact a lot of therapist dnt buy asexual
@swankivy if you can’t debate people swank then maybe you should just block all comments to began with…people feel strongly bout asexual

LOL at the concept of me not being able to debate people. Oh gee it must be because I just can’t take it or can’t defend myself. That or I HAVE NO OBLIGATION TO KEEP HEARING YOUR BULLSHIT WHEN YOU’RE SAYING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER WITHOUT LISTENING TO ME. And you’re totally allowed to repeatedly harass me because you “feel strongly” about how my orientation isn’t really a thing.

I tweeted this:

@CarlJoh60950300 It’s not “failing to take criticism” when you won’t stop spamming me with “your orientation isn’t real.” Stop stalking me.