Then, I remember that some asexuals have sex and essentially live exactly the same way as the average romantic-sexual person, and I figure these asexuals must be that type.
Because if they’re the sex-averse/repulsed/otherwise celibate type?
I’m at a total loss as to what they could be thinking. Unless, they also happen to be the kind of people who are only into very short-term romantic relationships…. but even then, their involvement with romantic-sexual individuals is imprudent at best and dangerous at worst.
Maybe they just haven’t had their optimism knocked down from the “Love Can Conquer All!” level yet. A lot of aces online are very young, after all. But if their naivete is based in youth and inexperience, I’m all the more sorry that they’re going to put themselves into this situation. They haven’t suffered the reality of their position in the world yet—but they will.
You don’t get to tell other people their relationships are doomed to fail. You don’t get to tell people they’re “naive” for entering into a mixed relationship.
You don’t get to do that, I don’t get to do that, no-one gets to do that.
Mixed orientation relationships can work. Yes, they take effort (like all relationships). Yes, they require communication (again, all relationships). Yes, sometimes they fail (LIKE ALL RELATIONSHIPS).
Sometimes they don’t fail, though. Sometimes they’re great.
Sometimes they’re life changing.
I’m not talking about mixed romantic relationships that sexually active asexuals have. I’m not talking about asexuals who are enthusiastic, comfortable, or indifferently participating in sexual acts of any kind. You can say whatever you want about those romantic relationships. That’s the kind you know from experience, and if your experience has taught you that a mixed romantic relationship that operates exactly the same way as every romantic-sexual relationship between allosexuals does, works out with about the same rate of success, fine. I’ve never denied that asexuals capable of living sexually active lives can get along romantically with allosexual people; of course, they can.
I’m talking about asexuals who refuse to have sex of any kind, for the duration of their lives. That means no penetration, no blow jobs, no hand jobs, no sex with toys, nothing. Ever. Period. I can probably also cut out masturbating in the same room, ass groping, breast groping, dry humping, etc for many of us. Plenty of us don’t even like open mouth kissing either.
You can’t talk about sexually active asexuals and sex-averse asexuals as if they’re the same and as if life works the same way for both groups. What does a sexually active asexual know about the emotional, relational life of a sex-averse/celibate asexual? Nothing. A person who has never had a nonsexual intimate partnership in their life, much less one that’s still going, can’t talk to me—a virgin asexual who intends to die as such—about what’s realistic for sex-averse, celibate asexuals in intimate relationships with allosexuals, except in purely theoretical and uninformed terms. Try living as a lifelong celibate while seeking intimate partnerships. Try actually doing it. Take it one step further and do it while being completely and totally out to everyone you meet about your asexuality and eternal celibacy. Not for 6 months or a couple years but forever. Then come back and talk to me about allosexual people’s capacity for serious, committed nonsexual love.
- i hope you know you have entered the realm of completely ridiculous now
- i don’t need to live forever as a celibate, sex-adverse asexual for my entire life, seeking intimate relationships, to know that you’re barking for several reasons: a) you haven’t lived that life either, so wtf man b) BPHH people are not sex-crazed crazy people there are asexuals out there in mixed relationships and they’re NOT HAVING SEX you can’t dump on their success because bwah you don’t have it shut up with your pity party
- what you seem to be unable to accept is that there are asexuals out there in mixed relationships who aren’t having sex to maintain those relationships
- it happens
- stop viewing BPHH people in such a fucking one-dimensional way, it’s insulting
- you’re insulting asexuals and BPHH people equally with that one, love
- there are better ways to say you’re having problems in society based on the way you are than being a doom and gloom piece of shit, dumping on asexuals and BPHH people alike
- for example, you could start talking in a way that doesn’t assume there’s a massive contingency of people who agree with you
- because as far as i can tell
- you’re rather on your own with your asexual elitism and sex negativity
- start saying “i”
- and less “we”
Yes yes yes yes yes and YES. Alladis.
Agree with all the rebuttals. I have met dozens of people who like sex, who experience sexual attraction, and openly say “I could easily live without sex” and “sex is pretty low on the list of things I have to enjoy in common with my partner(s)” and “sex is great, but it isn’t the end all/be all of my relationships.”
Not to mention if you insist a sex-averse asexual person “can’t” have a committed romantic relationship with anyone who isn’t asexual, you’re ignoring the fact that some relationships involve poly arrangements and/or open relationships/open marriages, which can work if everyone’s on the same page and the non-asexual people are okay with getting their sexual enjoyment from each other.
Nobody gets to say “sorry, their urges will always destroy everything, and you’re naïve if you say otherwise; come here, young Tumblr asexual, and let me pinch your youthful cheeks.” NO. You know what one sign of maturity is? Recognizing that other people navigate their relationships in ways you don’t necessarily understand or approve of, and that your inability to wrap your mind around how it works does not give you the right to be dismissive and condescending during your attempts to address it.
Oh, and my latest article, published in the respected sex-positive magazine Good Vibrations: Asexual Relationships.
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