Anonymous asked: There's a lot of nonsense on Tumblr lately about how the A in the gsm acronym LGBTQIAP+ should or does stand for alliance, not asexual. I know that asexual erasure is common and I thought I was used to it, but... All this is making me really hate my identity as ace, and it's getting pretty hard for me to deal with. :( Do you have any advice? Thanks.

Funny how straight cis people are getting a letter before we do in those people’s minds.

Here’s the problem with self-hate. We follow the example everyone else has set. If people say we deserve hate, we start to believe it.

With all the asexual people who write about despair and dark thoughts and isolation and fear and bullying and hatred and not belonging ANYWHERE, it’s ironic to think we’re sometimes hated and excluded for not being hated or excluded enough.

But that’s their problem. They’re the ones who are dishing out the hatred by harassing us and shaming us. We can and do have this discussion without attacking each other, using condescending and abusive language, or mocking anyone; there are respectful and interesting ways to discuss whether and in what capacity asexual people are queer and in what ways we are separate but natural allies to queer movements. They’re the ignorant ones if they think we seamlessly fit in with straight people when they’ve made it pretty clear that they don’t want us either.

You as an asexual person are part of a community with this shared experience. And the good news is that almost every gay person I’ve discussed asexuality with in person, had a conversation with in private, or presented to at a public talk has agreed that we DO have a lot in common with them—certainly enough to see why we would have similar goals and why the prejudice we face comes from the same root in the heteronormative world. And nearly every gay person who has confronted me with HOW DARE YOU CO-OPT OUR EXPERIENCE, GET OUT, YOU ARE JUST A STRAIGHT PERSON WHO’S BAD AT BEING STRAIGHT AND WANTS TO BE SPECIAL … is doing so in shitty YouTube comments, anonymous Tumblr messages (no offense, anon!), and group pile-ons where they have strength in numbers and repeat what everyone is shouting.

This leads me to believe that people who initiate contact with us on this subject in civil ways—even if they don’t understand or don’t agree—are also people who are willing to be reasonable and see our perspective. These are the kinds of people you want on your side … and they already are. Most of the ones you’ll encounter online who are reaching into your life to instill hatred in you are loud trolls who choose their communication style based on the high they get off of hurting you. Funny how they want so badly to hurt you to prove you’re not being hurt.

This has been a long way of saying the trolls are basically just full of bullshit and we have so many allies—really, we do. So many of the organizations, publications, and media representatives who have reached out for a perspective on asexuality are gay-friendly, sex-friendly, LGBTQ-oriented, or in some way aligned with the struggles of sexual minorities, and they largely do see us as one of their number! The ones who don’t are often called hateful by their own groups. Most of them want us. Try not to let people convince you that their inelegant, intolerant message represents their queer majority. They do not speak for everyone.

And the asexual community is here if you need us. Most of us have been through that head space. You’re not alone, and you’re part of a really varied and interesting and mostly supportive community. Please feel free to reach out again if you need someone (or a lot of someones!) to lean on.